I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
