Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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