She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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