Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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