dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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