Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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