Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
