yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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