She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
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Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
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I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"