Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
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Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
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Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂