Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
