i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
where are you?
Hypothermia
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
