yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
