the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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