Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
