I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
My liver just had a heart attack.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
