My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
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