I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
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