my phone needs a breathalizer
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
