Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
