Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You took a bar mat shot.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
