is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
