LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You need a sexual gate keeper
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
