a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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