New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Randomize
