I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
