I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Randomize
