You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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