i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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