just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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