I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
