put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Randomize
