I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
