**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
