I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
