i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
