the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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