Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Boobs speak an international language.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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