Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
So much Jack, so little girl.
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