i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
