Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
