At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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