I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
