I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
