I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
