Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
