Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
