my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
