I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
whose parrot is this?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
