apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
