why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
