Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
