I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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