there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
