she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
