Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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