yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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