Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
