I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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