I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
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Now he's lighting his socks on fire
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
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well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
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